Things my mom has said to me

Help mama shave her legs! There’s an elderly driving instructor coming over tonight!

You strip down to your underthings and let mama spray you with this flea and tick spray/repellent.

I’m too nice to you. A different mama woulda sold you to the lowest bidder on Craigslist.

We’re outta shampoo. Take this cup, go to the pharmacy, fill it with shampoo and run outta there back here!

Eric Jennifer you left so much hair in this God forsaken sink! Did I get knocked up by Chewbacca himself?!

I’ll read you GOODNIGHT MOON, but once you fall asleep it’s hello gin.

If you run outta toilet paper, use that pile of bills…I ain’t gonna pay em anyway.

Run down to the AM/PM and grab mama a pack of Virginia Slim Menthols, 6 one dollar scratchers, microwave burrito, king cone, a four pack of Bacardi Breezers, and grab yourself some taquitos for dinner.